


So Then a Bat or a Monkey

by DarkVictory



Category: The Walking Dead & Related Fandoms, The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Fluffy, Fun, Funny, M/M, Santa Clarita Diet AU, Silly, some sexy talk but no actual smut sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-27
Updated: 2019-07-27
Packaged: 2020-07-23 09:30:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20006086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkVictory/pseuds/DarkVictory
Summary: Desus meets Santa Clarita Diet! Paul becomes a different kind of undead, and his new relationship with Daryl is seriously tested.





	So Then a Bat or a Monkey

**Author's Note:**

> Desus meets Santa Clarita Diet AU. If you've never watched SCD (and you really should), it's about a meek woman who becomes undead after eating weird clams and rather than becoming the typical shuffling, groaning zombie, she becomes a driven, strong, impulsive woman who just happens to eat people (but only bad people!). 
> 
> Ignores all canon after Rick's death (season 9 Episode 5, "What Comes After"), and the story starts about 6 months after his death.

*****

Daryl fought to calm his breathing as he stole glances at the vomit covering every inch of the trailer’s tiny bathroom. “Um…not to sound judgmental or anything, but did you maybe...eat somethin’...off?” Paul chuckled weakly, but didn’t answer. Daryl continued to clean Paul’s face with a cool, damp cloth. “I mean...something I didn’t also eat?” He studiously ignored the vomit dripping from the ceiling—the fucking ceiling!!—and started breathing through his mouth to avoid the smell. “Or did something bite you? Not even necessarily a Walker, but some kinda sick animal? ‘Cause um...I’ve seen a lot of shit, Paul, but I never seen nothin’ like this.”

“You think I have?” Paul croaked.

“‘Course not. But something caused this. Shit, Paul, you shouldn’t be alive after all this!” He vaguely gestured around the room.

“Maybe I’m not.” Paul smiled. “Maybe I died and you’re a beautiful angel.” He touched Daryl’s face. “Like I always knew you were.”

“Don’t be cute. You’re alive right now, but you could still be really sick.” He put two fingers on Paul’s neck. “Soon as I get you cleaned up and into bed, I’m getting the doc, maybe he’s…” Daryl trailed off and grabbed Paul’s wrist, looking intensely at Paul’s face.

“What? Something wrong with my pulse?”

Daryl was now white as a sheet. “Yeah. It’s not there.”

***

Daryl could’ve bailed on the whole thing. Paul continually reminded him of this, pointing out that their relationship had  _ just _ started, and Daryl shouldn’t feel any obligation to something so new.  


But it wasn’t new for Daryl. He couldn’t deny he’d felt an attraction to Paul from the beginning, covering it up with distrust and nasty insults like he was twelve years old or something. He never thought something could ever happen between them, just thought he would carry a torch for Paul forever.  


Then Rick decided to blow himself up.

Daryl threw himself into the search for Rick’s body like nothing else mattered. He hardly slept or ate, and stayed out in the woods 24/7. He ignored the pleas of Michonne, Maggie, Aaron, to give up the search.  


One day Paul found him in the woods—and wouldn’t leave him. For days, Paul trailed behind Daryl, keeping up a steady stream of chatter about what had happened in the last few months in all of the communities. Daryl had quickly gotten tired of telling Paul to leave him alone and so just said nothing and figured he would eventually get bored and leave.

After two weeks, Paul was still there but Daryl didn’t have time to wonder what that might mean because he had found a previously unseen offshoot of the river where Rick had died and figured this had to be it, it was the only place his body could be. Daryl had been up and down the entire river twice and found nothing, but a recent storm had cleared some of the brush that had previously covered the mouth of this creek. But a thorough search of it turned up nothing, and for the first time in his search, Daryl didn’t know where to look next. He sat heavily on the ground, mumbling about how Rick had to be here, there was nowhere else.  


Paul eventually coaxed Daryl to his feet and led him back to Hilltop, to Paul’s trailer. Daryl lay down on the couch and didn’t really move for days. Paul gave him blankets, and cooked for him, and sat with him, chatting quietly. He even cleaned Daryl’s face and hands with a warm cloth, and cut some tangles from his hair.

One day, Paul paused in his Hilltop gossip to say, “You know it wasn’t your fault, right?” He leaned down and twisted around in his chair to look into Daryl’s eyes. “Rick’s death? Not your fault. It was a bad situation and he made the choice to save everyone. Okay? You always knew Rick would give his life for your family if it was necessary. So would you.”

“Wasn’t necessary,” Daryl mumbled. “I coulda saved him, figured out some way—“

“No, you couldn’t. Rick made his choice, and you  _ know _ he wouldn’t want you to blame yourself for it. And he certainly wouldn’t want you to become obsessed with finding his body.”

“‘M not obsessed,” Daryl said sourly.

Paul raised an eyebrow. “Seriously? You’re gonna deny this?” Daryl wisely stayed quiet. “Good. I get needing time to recover, just don’t end up spending your whole life on this couch.” He got up and left the trailer.  


And after a couple hours, Daryl did too.

He continued living on the couch in Paul’s trailer, and stuck to his side throughout the day as they went on runs and helped expand the community. Daryl was much more than just attracted to Paul by then. He had stuck by Daryl and brought him back after Rick’s death, never giving up on him. And after a few months of spending every day together, when Paul finally kissed him and confessed his own feelings, Daryl knew nothing in this world or the next could make him ever give up on Paul. 

***

“I think you’re worrying about this way too much,” Paul mumbled as he tore into raw squirrel meat.

Daryl stopped pacing to look at Paul incredulously. “You’re dead, Paul! You have no pulse, no heartbeat, you’re eating a raw squirrel! But it’s been nearly two days and you’re still walking and talking and this shouldn’t be possible!”

Paul giggled. “Kinda silly to say that when we’ve been living in a zombie apocalypse for years.”

Daryl pulled at his own hair. “Yeah, there’s that too, you could turn into one of them!”

“I think if I was going to, I would have by now.”

“Oh great, thanks, Dr. Rovia, I feel a lot better now,” Daryl said dryly.

“Look—“ Paul was interrupted by a knock on the trailer door. “Get lost, we’re having sex in here!” he yelled, then turned back to Daryl after hearing the knocker scurry away. Daryl looked mortified. “What?”

“That’s—you just told them—sex!”

“Got rid of them, didn’t it?”

“But we…hell, we just started...only kissed a few times before you...sorta died.”

Paul expression turned wolfish. “Maybe we should change that.”

Daryl grimaced and took a step back. “Yeah, um, you…your face is covered in squirrel blood.”

Paul tilted his head thoughtfully. “Blood’s not a turn-on for you then. Noted.”

***

“Alright, I’m gonna go hunt for more squirrels for you. You just try to act normal.” Daryl slung his crossbow on his back and looked furtively around Hilltop as they walked toward the gate.

“No problem,” Paul said breezily.  


Just then, a Hilltop-er named Gil approached and said, “Jesus, the door on the grain shed is stuck again.”

“Uh-huh, and?” He answered impatiently.

“Uh...well, you got it unstuck before..”

Paul stopped walking and crossed his arms. “And you were there. Watching. Why don’t you try what I did before? Better yet, ask Earl, our blacksmith, if there is something he can do about it?”

“Um, okay.” Gil walked away, looking stunned.

Daryl’s eyebrows were raised at this uncharacteristic response and he was about to mention it, when one of the cooks, Meredith, approached.  


“Jesus, we need more room in the new garden but Enid wants room for—“

“Learn to share!” Paul snapped. “In fact…” He turned to Daryl. “Babe, can I hop on your shoulders for a sec?”

Daryl nodded, confused, and helped Paul climb onto his shoulders. Paul whistled loudly and shouted, “Listen up, needy residents of Hilltop! I’m done being your complaint department and your errand boy. It’s a ridiculously stupid use of my time. My time’s better spent scavenging and hunting out in the world you’re all so afraid of. So grow the fuck up, make logical decisions, and work together.” He nodded, and climbed off of Daryl. Meredith retreated and everyone else started whispering in groups. Daryl was grinning. “What?”

“‘Bout damn time you told those fuckers to manage their shit. They’ve taken advantage of you way too long.”

“And I’ve always known that, but I kept playing that role because I thought it was so necessary, but...now? Now I just think it’s stupid.”

“Think this...sickness, or whatever, has changed more than just your biology.” Daryl smiled shyly. “I like it.”

Paul planted a kiss on Daryl, then said, “It’s a brand new world, baby.”

***

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I don’t know what happened!” Paul babbled as blood dripped from his beard. He was crouched over an eviscerated dead man in the woods not far from Hilltop, and Daryl had just stumbled upon him.

“Who the fuck is that?!” Daryl shrieked. “Are you eating him?? Why are you eating him?!”

“I don’t know! I couldn’t help it, I just started devouring him! But I’m done, I’ve stopped now.”

“No! You haven’t!”

Paul realized he was absentmindedly gnawing on a severed finger. “Oh, sorry.”

“Who is this guy?!”

“One of the rogue Saviors, don’t worry, he was a total shithead.”

“Oh good, nothing to worry about then since he wasn’t a good person!”

“Well yeah.” Paul was gnawing on the finger again.

Daryl had started pacing. “You’re eating him, Paul, and you don’t seem to be able to stop, what the fuck is going on?”

“I, um...I hate to say it, but...I feel good.” Paul looked sheepish. “I don’t feel hungry anymore. Even after eating the raw squirrels and rabbits and raccoons—“

“When did you eat raccoons??!”

“—not the issue right now—the point is I was still starving after eating them. But now, I’m not.”

Daryl stopped and looked incredulously at him. “Shit, Paul, do not say what I think you’re saying.”

Paul didn’t respond but kept guiltily gnawing at the severed finger.

***

Paul caught a whiff of the raw squirrel meat Daryl was offering him, and gagged. “Nope. I can’t. I’m sorry. Ugh, seriously, you need to get that out of here or I will hurl.”

Given what the last vomiting episode was like, Daryl hurriedly tossed the squirrel carcass out the trailer door.

Paul ran his hands through his hair. “I don’t think there’s anything for it, Daryl. It’s gotta be human. And it’s gotta be living.” He shuddered, thinking of his attempt earlier to eat Walker flesh that hadn’t worked either.

Daryl sighed. “How many rogue Saviors are left in the area?”

“A few dozen, probably. But when they’re gone... I can’t eat good people, I just can’t. If it comes to that, I’ll put an ice pick through my own temple.”

Daryl crossed the room quickly and gathered Paul up in his arms. “Don’t say that. We’ll figure somethin’ out.”

“No, Daryl.” Paul struggled in Daryl’s arms. “I can’t keep making you a part of this, you deserve a damn chance at a normal life.”

Daryl held on tighter. “Don’t want a normal life. Just want you.”

“Even like this?”

“Any way I can have ya.”

***

“Surprise. What-what do you think?” Daryl stood self-consciously beside the small deep freeze unit he had just installed in the trailer.

“Oh my god, I love it! How did you do this?” Paul ran and leapt into Daryl’s arms, wrapping his legs around Daryl’s waist.

Daryl stumbled a bit under Jesus’ weight. “I got Eugene to set up some solar panels on the trailer’s roof.”

“I thought he was being stingy with the panels until we found more?”

“Told him with all the hunting I do for the communities, I’ve earned the right to have some power in our trailer.”

Paul kissed Daryl deeply before jumping down. “It’s perfect! I can dismember the Saviors and neatly stack their parts in here!”

“There’s something else…” Daryl gestured to a large blender on the counter. “I got it from a smoothie place, so it’s real high-powered, industrial strength, I think it should be able to blend human flesh, long as you take it off the bone first.” He looked a little green by the time he finished.  


“Amazing! Now I don’t have to worry so much about the supply of Saviors. Which is good, because I have been really starving this last week, I haven’t been eating nearly enough, worrying about running out.”

“What, why didn't you say anything?"  


“I didn’t wanna worry you. I know you’re worried enough.”

“Well, now we got a solution.” Daryl grabbed his crossbow and game bag. “Let’s go bag a Savior shithead.”

***

The residents of Hilltop quickly got on board with the new Jesus and stopped bothering him constantly for every little problem. This was partly because bothering him nowadays meant interrupting him and Daryl having sex. Everyone started giving their trailer a wide berth just to avoid hearing what was happening inside.  


Daryl had gone from having sex four times in his entire life to having it four times a day. Well, not quite that much. Paul had endless stamina but Daryl was forty-fucking-five and needed an occasional break.  


Paul was ready and willing to jump Daryl absolutely anywhere; he had no sense of shame or discretion, and never cared how loud he was being. And so it was up to Daryl to drag him to their trailer or at least somewhere relatively private and discreet.  


Paul was an enthusiastic and adventurous lover, and Daryl found himself doing things he never thought he would. Things that shocked the shit out of him and made him turn nine shades of red, but he did them anyway. Because he had this gorgeous, muscular,  _ younger _ man practically salivating over him and he just couldn’t refuse him anything.

Paul thought it was utterly adorable when Daryl confessed he hadn’t realized men could fuck in any position besides doggy style. He then proceeded to show Daryl just how many positions there were.  


Daryl had recoiled when Paul explained rimming, but ten minutes later was gasping and squirming under Paul’s tongue, and already planning to return the favour.

Paul’s desire to try anything and everything unlocked some desires Daryl had never realized. When Paul once asked if he could come on Daryl’s face, he was surprised how much the idea turned him on. The anticipation building, watching Paul jerk off five inches from his face alone almost made him come.

Daryl soon got brave enough to shyly ask for things he wanted to try. He liked tying Paul up, even though he knew the tiny ninja could get out of any bonds he wanted to. Sometimes he just liked restraining Paul’s usually constantly-wandering hands.  


Daryl’s favourite thing was how much Paul talked during sex, just babbling out the filthiest things. He loved that Paul had no shame about anything, and the way he praised Daryl and his (old, broken) body made Daryl hotter than anything else.

Daryl thought it was odd that Paul’s illness resulted in an increased libido, and said so once. Paul sheepishly admitted that his libido hadn’t really changed at all.

***

“Paul, man, you gotta stop, it’s the middle of the fuckin’ night,” Daryl groaned, rolling over in bed to face the wall.  


Paul paced quickly around the trailer. “But I just can’t sleep, and even weirder, I don’t feel like I  _ need _ more sleep. Two hours is plenty.”

“But I  _ do _ need more than two hours, so why don’t you go...I dunno, go patrol, or check traps, or somethin’.”

“Yeah, yeah, I can do that, something useful, something to actually burn off some of this manic energy…”

“Sounds great.” Daryl pulled the blankets over his head and went right back to sleep but it felt like it was only five minutes later when the slamming of the trailer door woke him. He glanced at the alarm clock to see it was nearly eight a.m. before a fully dressed Paul pounced on him.

“I had a great night! I got sick of patrolling, too slow, so I went for a jog, five miles! But that was too boring, too, but then I spotted a jackrabbit and without even thinking, I started chasing it, and it was exhilarating!!” Paul finally stopped to take a breath.

Daryl struggled to keep up. “So, you caught a rabbit? That’s good, food for the rest of us.”

“Oh. No. I—I didn’t keep it. Whenever I caught him, I just let him go again and kept chasing. Didn’t occur to me to bring it back, sorry.” He climbed off of Daryl, and start pulling off his gloves.  


“Next time, try. Hey, wait—did anyone see you running around the forest like a damn coyote in a leather coat?”

“No, Officer, I wasn’t seen.” Paul smirked. He glanced at Daryl. “Why is your face all red? Like you’re turned on?”

“Nothin’,” Daryl muttered.

Paul gasped. “I know what it is!” He leaped back onto Daryl. “Officer Dixon,” he said huskily, “Please don’t handcuff me…” Daryl’s breath caught, and Paul grinned. “Well, that’s a new one. This is gonna be fun…”

***

Daryl was unloading crates of salted fish from Oceanside’s wagon when he heard Paul ask Hillary, one of the Oceanside women, if they had any red clams.  


“The hell you talkin’ about? Never heard ‘a red clams,” Daryl said, just as Hillary said, “You ate those?” with alarm.

“Yeah, they were good, why?”

“We’ve never touched them. Red clams? It’s so unsettling. We figured that couldn’t be good.”

“Well, you’re right, ‘cause they made Paul really sick,” Daryl blurted. He gave Paul a meaningful look. “Remember? When you got  _ really _ sick last month?”

Paul’s eyebrows flew up. “Oh...oh yeah. They, uh...made me real sick, you guys need to stay away from them.”

“We already were,” Hillary said dryly before walking away, muttering something about how men will eat anything.

Paul turned to Daryl. “Holy shit, babe, that was it, that’s what did it! I found these red clams on the beach the last time I was there!”

Daryl was rubbing his face tiredly. “Why the fuck would you eat red clams? I mean, really, Paul!”

“Oh, excuse me for not growing up on the coast! How was I supposed to know?”

***

“Daryl, I’m worried...I think this guy was running away.” Paul said as he finished packing pieces of the dead Savior into the freezer.

Daryl paused in sharpening his knives at the table. “Well, yeah…you’re trying to kill him, of course he’d run.”

“No, I mean running away as in leaving the area. He had way too many supplies on him to just be out scavenging or hunting.” Paul sat down across from Daryl, his hands fidgeting. “I think the Saviors are realizing someone’s eliminating them.”

Daryl scoffed. “Not sure any of ‘em are that smart.”

“I’m serious, Daryl. They’re figuring it out. What if they all leave? If my food source dries up…” Paul put his hands on Daryl’s. “I know we haven’t talked about this since the beginning, but I still intend to take myself out if there’s no bad people to eat.”

“No, you’re not doing that,” Daryl said firmly, gripping Paul’s hands tighter.

“I might have to! If they all leave—“

“Then we will, too.”

“What?”

Daryl sighed. “You think I never thought about this? I been thinking and planning since this all started. If you run out of food, we’ll leave. There’s bad people everywhere. ‘Specially nowadays. We’ll find a way for you to eat, even if it means staying on the move always, never settlin’ down somewhere.”

Paul had tears in his eyes. “I can’t ask you to do that, I can’t make you live a life like that.”

“You ain’t makin’ me do anything, it’s what I wanna do. And I made up my mind, so don’t bother arguing with me. I told ya, I thought about it plenty, and I made plans for us.”

Paul wiped his eyes with his sleeve. “I can’t take you away from your family.”

“You’re my family now. Where you go, I go.” He tugged on Paul’s hands until he got up and sat on Daryl’s lap. “It’s me and you.”

Paul smiled a little. “Maybe we could come back and visit sometimes?”

“There ya go. We’ll make this work. ‘Cause I ain’t losing you, not ever.”

*****

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos much appreciated! I'm merrymerricat on tumblr, come say hi!


End file.
